when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
