Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
