Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
