You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize