You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
