There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
