Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
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