Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
