Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
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