Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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