i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
