My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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