How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Well I just put wine in my tea
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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