dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
