If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Come share oat with me in your robe
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
