if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
