Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
