Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
