we have pet lesbian snakes
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
