Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
