my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize