Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
