I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
