You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
