dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
you had me at cake vodka
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
