You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
