We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
