I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
