I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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