On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
