Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
