did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
