you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
