I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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