just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
