I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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