My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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