I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
