I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
