I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
