Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
