watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
