I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
