Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Drunk is a universal language darling
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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