dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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