Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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