I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
