Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
from now on my penis is your penis
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
