I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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