I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
