So drunk, too bad you don't want this
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
