brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
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