...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
