I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I could make wine with my vomit
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
