I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
