thus making me awesome and them whores
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
