I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
