I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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