After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
